#RV Living

Everyday is another day for the rest of your life. Yesterday is gone and the future has not yet arrived. So today, this hour, this minute, this second is here, it’s now, it’s forever.

Forever is always happening, yet we chase it, shun it, love it, hate it, try to covet it and are enslaved to it.

In my now moments at work, I couldn’t stand to bear it. I needed to be free of the monotonous groundhogs day. The anticipation of something that would never come. Chasing the “American Dream” had changed from my cup of tea to 10 day old re warmed coffee. I despised it, yet I drank of it everyday. I needed change, I needed adventure, I needed my now moments to last and not be forgotten at the “close of business”

So….. I, my kids, and my husband. Packed up and left. My job is holding on by a thread. But now I am mustering up the strength to complete my two week notice. My job wasn’t hard, or difficult, or even boring. I actually loved my job, but it still had me on a wheel chasing my tail. I had to get away. It’s been about 6 weeks of “rving” and it’s not easy. The roller coaster ride just became more bumpy, loopy, and hilly…. BUT I am the operator and I control the ride. Another beginning to a new forever.

Water 💧 , Wind 💨 , Earth 🌏 , Fire 🔥.

As I sit here and watch the breeze whip through the leaves, cut around the branches, and move so effortlessly around AND through anything in its path; I am enthralled!

AND jealous!

I see why you are enchanted by her freedom to competently and comfortably move through all obstacles in her path, why you shine brighter at her whimsical rush of thought and free flowing movement.

She is light and unable to be captured,  touched, seen with the naked eye, tasted, but only heard and felt when she is ready for you to feel her.

She is free, breezes past your face with her cool touch and penetrates your pores, slightly tempting your goosebumps to arise.

I see why you, a fire sign, are captured in her whimsical ways. She feeds you what you crave most….. oxygen, fules you, lifts you up, expands your mind, body, and soul. You have become larger than life since she has blown our way! BUT, be careful … to much of her oxygen to your fire can make you uncontrollable, unstoppable ….. and destructive!

I am water …. I am free flowing too! But only when I am allowed. I take on the shape of whatever contains me; yes, I allow myself to be contained. I flow where obstacles allow me to. Under, through, below, and above. I am heavy when there is much of me or I can be light when there is less of me.

I can be destructive too! But again, only when “she” is present, causing me to typhoon, hurricane, and tornadoe! Crashing high waves onto a shore! Without Her, with no wind, I am calm and serene, providing life and sustainment. Drink me, bathe in me, dip your toe in me to check the temperature, drop me frozen into a drink, boil me to warm your food.

But water and fire …. you make me boil, and I put you out. We do not mix, at all. I cannot contain you and you do not want to contain me. I need control and you need to be wild and free. I like to flow as I am allowed, you want to roam and let none stand in your way.

BUT we can work together, we can be together! I am water and resilient. I will beat through a rock formation until I make a path, I will not give up! I cannot be destroyed, burn me and boil me, I am transform to vapor; freeze me, I am only ice, and of course wind only moves me faster to where I need to be; add a little earth and it may slow me down but I am still on the move.

Alow me to surround you, let you burn bright and high! But without burning others around you, without causing you to be careless and out of control, we may not mix BUT we are each other’s balance! I am your true opposite! We are us, you are mine …. but, do I have the strength to hold you? Contain you? The pains, the wonder, the doubt …. words have no meaning when what your seeing contradicts what is spoken …..

I am free flowing, only so much turmoil can stir me. Rivers don’t flow upstream. If the fire still shows favor for the wind to feed its prana, the waters will recede, fall back, and allow what is to be.

We are Here

Here I am. There you are. The overwhelming feeling of pangs in the pit of my stomach; yet you are right here, and I am right here. We are sharing the same dwelling, yet it feels as if I am at one pole and you are at the other. I can reach out and touch you, feel you, smell you, your essence is Here; yet you are not. Mistrust, distrust, lies, deceit, pain, jealousy, secrets …. Distance. The emotional turmoil eats my insides out. The retch I feel of the bile Distancing itself from the pits of my stomach. I want to run from this dwelling, solidifying, materializing, and making what “Feels” actually “Real”. Distancing myself from this space. To be in the dark with no light to find my way …. Is scary.

YET! As you wrap your arms around me, and I feel the comfort and responsiveness of Love, affection, warmth, nurture, care …… Closeness. All distance falls away, and I Am Here and You are There, and We Are!

via Daily Prompt: Distant

The end of The beginning of the End…

32…. I’m 32 years old and I’m still not sure exactly which direction I’m going. I have been looking for purpose in my life for quite some time now. 

I’m expecting. My third child. Nauseating days, sleepless nights, and exhausted mornings. I pray that the deep seeded depression I feel are the hormones surging through every fiber of my being preparing for the life I am about to spawn into this world. 

25…. this was the age I beLIEved that I had a purpose, obtainable goals, happiness, career, house, friends, family; but hindsight, well it’s not 20/20. Even when you realize that you weren’t doing everything right, do you really know exactly what went wrong?

You never really know anyone 100%. Not even self. The journey to understating, comprehending, and knowing self is a long one, and never (in my opinion) complete before passing. Learning is a life long journey. 

My husband and I are strangers in love, passing by daily with strong feelings of doubt and mistrust and more intense feelings of desideratum. 

I hesitate to say depression is the current emotional state being experienced; more …. desolation. Empty. Alone. There is no road in clear view, just wide open space, unsure of which direction to face or even begin to start moving in. I still enjoy the breeze, the sun still feels invitingly warm on my skin, a soft streaming running river is still a soothing melody to my auditory senses, But, I only “feel” it on the surface. I can’t seem to connect to it on a deeper level.

I cry, I blame, I sleep, I argue, I dwell, I sigh, I fear….. I …. need to take responsibility. An exceedingly difficult task to take on. I know I have a purpose, I know in this desolation of wide open existence there is a path that I just can’t quite see; I’m too busy looking for someone to hold my hand, or blaming others for their actions as to why I haven’t found the beginning of the path. 

I need to end my tirade of useless attempts to beat this raging river into submission, but to Surrender to its current. (Dr. Doom 😊) 
Be still. Listen. Accept. and Know.

A Different Me….? First post Jitters!

What in the Goo Gob am I supposed to write about?

I initially created this blog, probably a year … two years ago? I wanted to share my thoughts with the world! I wanted to find others to connect with that thought the way I thought, felt the way I felt, and perceive the world as I experienced it! Then I realized, that’s damn near impossible, if possible at all. We are all different in every type of way! That’s what makes us … well … human. From then until now I have spent much time “finding me”. And you know what I’ve found! Not a goddamn thing, lol! I am forever changing, in oh so subtle ways. I may not be as different today as I was yesterday (wait, does that make sense *shrugs*), but I have very much changed, grown, and expanded from a year (or two years) ago. How the hell do I connect, when I change so much, when I don’t know me? When others probably change as well (or are stagnant as hell), who don’t truly know themselves either?

So, I hesitated writing.

Plus I have absolutely ZERO writing skills, aside from the few classes I had during college. So I hesitate time after time when getting ready to write my blog. Is the grammar correct, am I using correct punctuation, participle, verb, conjunction junction what’s your function! Hell I didn’t know, and became to lazy to try and reteach myself.

So, I hesitated writing.

Religion, Politics, Drugs, Money, Racism, Sexism; When I had a good idea or topic, I always questioned my sources. I also didn’t want to just regurgitate what I read. I wanted understanding and knowledge.

So, I hesitated writing.

Then of course there are the blog bullies, or trolling trollies, or whatever they’re called nowadays. Am I thick skinned enough? What will people think and say, how will they respond. Am I boring, are they yawning yet, skimming to get to the point, laughing, criticizing?

So, I hesitated…..

Until today I said Forget It (but not in the oh so nice way). I’m just going to put my fingers on the damn keyboard and start typing. I am going to release my thoughts on to this damn blank slate … and let it go! Be free of this entrapment in my mind! Spread my thoughtful seed, plant the insight of my being into someone else’s subconscious, and hope like hell I can impregnate someone with my Conscious Thought. (See how I just did that…the hell with you, it was damn CLEVER to me, LOL!) … also a little bit of my penis envy maybe? Ha!

So, I … didn’t hesitate … I wrote

Now that I have that out of the way. Polyamory? To engage or not to engage?